"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday!"
Moms in group therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home!
An Illinois lady left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. Her husband was on a business trip and was planning to meet her there the next day. When she reached her hotel, she decided to send her husband a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which she had written his email address, she did her best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, she missed one letter and her note was directed instead to an elderly widow, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Honey: Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here!
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made." A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them." The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
Pray Before Eating
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. "Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home. The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Darn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..." "What do you mean?" his wife inquired. "He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.
Nickel Or Dime?
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel - they say - because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" And Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
Names On The Wall
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service. "Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"