Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee
-You ski uphill.
-You grind your coffee with your teeth.
-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
-You can jump-start your car without cables.
-Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet-n-low."
-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
-You've built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers.
-People get dizzy just watching you.
-Starbucks owns the mortgage to your house.
-When someone asks you how you are, you reply, "Good to the last drop!"
-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Winners who were asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition...
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Two elderly women are out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. They went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row?! You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh dear! Am I driving?"
Accidental Church Bulletins
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.