Wife vs. Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mule, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Can't Live With 'Em!
Woman has MAN in it.
Mrs. has MR. in it.
Female has MALE in it.
She has HE in it.
Madam has ADAM in it.
Okay, it all makes sense now. I never looked at it this was before...
When we have real trouble, it's a 'HIS'terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?!
Here Kitty Kitty...
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we had put outside scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife went out to the taxi, while the husband went to get the cat, who ran upstairs, with him in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the cab driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the cab driver that her husband would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband returned, "Sorry it took me so long. That stupid girl was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. then, I had to wrap a blanket around her to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat, furry butt downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.
One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So, we're having a contest, whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10 minute sermon against lying, beginning with, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "Alright," he said, "give him the dog."
Where's the Fire Hydrant?
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep the crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close, "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Three men go into a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man paid $10 and went to the room.
A while later, the man behind the desk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellhop to the guys' room with $5.
On the way, the bellhop couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between 3 men, so he gave each man $1 and kept the other $2 for himself.
This meant that the 3 men paid $9 each for the room, which is a total of $27. Add the $2 that the bellhop kept and that makes a total of $29.
Where is the other dollar?
We couldn't figure it out either...