New Direction for Any War: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing completely backwards! Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some jerk that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what's it matter. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical psychopath.
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet...
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million angry old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
Hey!! How about recruiting women over 50 who have entered menopause! You think MEN have attitudes?! Holy cow! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night.
Garfield on the Oil Crisis
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our oil is located in Alaska, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Wyoming, Utah, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas.
All of our dipsticks are located in Washington, DC!
Any questions? No? Didn't think so.
The Love Story of Ralph and Edna
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
"The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him up there to dry. So how soon can I go home?"
Stolen or Just Misplaced?
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She hysterically explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher replied, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way.
A few minutes later, the officer radios in, "Disregard," he says, "She got into the backseat by mistake."