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Southern women
Southern women appreciate their assets:
Soft skin
An easy smile
That unforgettable Southern drawl
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Don't you DARE...Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back, soon!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Call when you can."
"Can I get you a glass of tea?
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
Shopping
Shopping at the beach
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Summer tans
Strapless sun dresses
Air conditioning
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football & Nascar
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy & Country ham
Grits
Mouth-watering biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
New Orleans (N'orlins)
Atlanta (Addlanna)
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform or tuxedos
Men who open doors for women
Rhett Butler, of course!
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup
Texas Cowboy
A West Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location Which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultrahigh resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party," says thecowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for
an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me
how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a damn thing about
cows... Now give me back my dog!"
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