When driving in Chattanooga:
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Chatt-A-neew-guh". You must pronounce the " A".
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chattanooga has its own version of traffic rules... the truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note:Blue haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime.)
3. To find anything in Chattanooga it is required that you know where the Ridge Cut" is... which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end.
4. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
6. You must know that "153" and " the orange barrel rd" are the same road.
7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Chattanooga. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, ostriches, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, possum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated".
10. The minimum acceptable speed on I-24 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is the Chattanooga version of NASCAR.
11. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
12. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone...you are considered a road hazard, and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
14. If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
15. If it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out, Chattanooga residents consider this "demolition derby day" and will be all over the roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with caution as you could be their next target. Also note that the mere possibility of ice on the road will shut down all schools and most businesses until the crisis passes. Heck, they'll shut down if its even humid.
16. The Hamilton Place Mall intersections are considered one of the city's most exciting amusement attractions. Beware though - they are not for the faint of heart!
17. East Brainerd Rd and Gunbarrel Rd convert to parking lots during all holidays and weekends. Please enter these streets cautiously, find the nearest parking space and walk to the mall for the quickest access.
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too I didn't know we had a choice."
Where would we be if we lost our sense of humor?
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" The Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10."
There, that ought to offend just about everybody if they don't have a sense of humor!