Recently, a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for several minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on (it was a perfectly dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!! Dumfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife, Grace, listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Angels Explained by Children
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. -Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. -Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. -Matthew,9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. -Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. -Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! -Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. -Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. -Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. -Sara, 6