by Jennifer Bowman
A few months ago I made a statement that Democrats would not decide on a candidate and stick together. Every good journalist admits when they are wrong. I was … semi-wrong. More importantly, I was semi-right.
Though the Democrats have banded together, is it based on their affection and love for John Kerry and millions of packets of ketchup to come? Of course not! No, their collaboration comes with two skills they have mastered: hatred and lying! Go them!
How did this happen, you ask? Sheer stupidity? No, no. Guided, cooperative, grouped stupidity! The spirits of Michael Moore and Al Franken came upon them and whispered secrets of the Great Socialist Volcano, located deep within the belly of the Sheen house. The Democrats struggled for many days and many nights in their hydro-electro cars until they came to the Volcano, and dropped to their knees as the giant head of Al Gore manifested eerily out of the ether. "O, sir! Your loss shall be avenged!" they cried. "What shall we do?!" He spoke softly, allowing only two words to escape his lips. "Howard Dean," was what he said, then faded back from whence he came, wherever it is that the washed-up wannabe hippie liberals go. The Democrats looked around themselves, terrified, and proceeded to elect John Kerry! Why? First of all, do not ask the loser of an election for suggestions as how to find a winner. Second of all, their thoughts are so clouded with "I HATE BUSH!" that they can't think clearly enough to realize what the heck they are doing.
You see more anti-Bush ads than pro-John Kerry ads. Celebrities have money to promote Fahrenheit 9/11, forever shaming Ray Bradbury. No one really knows much about Kerry except for the fact that he's married to the Heinz lady and more importantly, that he's not Bush. Any attempts from the right to explain Kerry's indecisive and seemingly neurotic past is flamed by the left as mudslinging. They've invented the mud-boomerang, which basically means all the mudslinging ads so far are retorts to other mudslinging ads and there's just this never-ending mudslinging fest and we're all getting really dirty.
I just hope that when people actually go into the booth, a thought passes through their heads: "Who am I voting for?", not "Who am I NOT voting for?". Trust me, many multiple choice questions have been wrong on many a test by this method. It's just better to know the right answer ahead of time and not have to guess now and deal with consequences later.
I also predicted that Bush would win. I will be very, very upset if I am wrong. I do not want to be wrong. I can't vote yet, and if he doesn't win, I have all of you to blame. Get out to the voting booths, Cleveland.