More Men v. Women Jokes
Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This proves that there is no such thing as a good man.
The great thing about Mr.Potato Head is that he's tanned, he's cute .. and if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
After a party, as a couple were driving home, the woman asks her husband: "Honey has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible you are?" The flattered husband replies: "No, dear, they haven't." The wife yells: "Then what the heck gave you that idea at the party tonight?"
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out: "God, I am lonely. "Well, Eve, I should create a man for you." Man? What is that Lord?" He'll satisfy your physical needs and hunt and gather for you." "What's the catch, Lord? Well ... he'll also be proud, arrogant and self admiring... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. That'll be our secret, just between us two girls."
A man put a small 'ad' in the classified pages: 'Wife Wanted.' Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said. 'You can have mine.'
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!' Second guy: "You're so lucky, mine's still alive!"
A man said: "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late."
Scientists in the U.S. have revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 per cent of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive...
An archaeologist who dug up a female skull which, he said, was 2,000 years old, was asked how he knew it was a female. He replied that it was found with its mouth open.
The last fight I had with my wife was my fault. She asked: "What's on the TV? I said, "Dust!"
Kids with Faith
One Sunday in Cleveland a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're going to be in a big mess."
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
How to impress a woman
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, love her, caress her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hold her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, talk to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a man
Show up naked .. with beer.