New Born Baby
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
What was that Restaurant
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Spice Things Up
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and the third a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some role-playing.
The following week, they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings, and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose, and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath, and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings, and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, and was ready for action. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down, and yelled, Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Passing a parrot
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised the parrot wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."
My wife is missing
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
The silent treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed... it said... "It is 5.00am; time to wake up."