The wonder of technology
"The Internet is an amazing communications tool that's bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it's just staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around the world in China, someone you've never met is sitting at their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that you're hearing."
- Dennis Miller
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some more of his gems;
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Gotta Love Little Boys
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampons and proceeded to the check-out counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, How old are you?" "Eight", the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one"
A mother's prayer
A minister said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!".