During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'"
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Out of Gas
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"'Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank?"
The bee answered, "BP."
Why Get Married?
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?"
"Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really."
"Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?"
"Because she can still drive!"
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsman like way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none. That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."
The next night. after John McCain returns with 50 fish, Harry Reid said to Obama, "Well, tell me, how is John McCain cheating?"
Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice."
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "Put in some more butter! You're cooking too many at once. Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Turn them! Don't forget to salt them. Use the salt. The salt!" The wife stared at him. "'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."