Blonde on the sun
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
At the doctor's office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
Believe it or not
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Making people happy
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant jerks back there. Heck, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy."
A pregnant Cuban lady is involved in a car accident in Toronto and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother from Cuba flew in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother....he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name at all, guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? They're hiring.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.