Points on being Southern
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie" fit and a "conniption" fit, and that you don't "have" them, you "pitch" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard green, turnip green, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is-- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet stuff that sits in a little bowl on the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
In the south we use "buggies" to buy our groceries.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor or friend who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If their trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'.
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when "in line," we talk to everybody!
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner.
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 mph on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your way.
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness; Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South but I got here as fast as I could."
A reason to Stay Away from Florida
A group of seniors were sitting around the pool in sunny Florida talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, "volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive!"