Top 10 Words That Don't Exist... But Should...
1. Aquadextrous (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, or running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. Disconfect (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.
4. Elbonics (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. Peppier (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. Pupkus (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses it's nose to it.
10. Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"
Lawyer vs. Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks her if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap. So she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question and if I don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention. To keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word. She reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references. He uses the air-phone. He searches the net and even the library of congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
How to Install a Home Security System in the South
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Big Jim, Duke, Slim and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Cooter.
Wife vs. Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an arguement and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
True to This Day
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson