Not skeered anymore
Billy Ray went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist.
"I'll sleep on it," said Billy Ray. Six months later the psychiatrist met Billy Ray on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."
Rose Buds and Hanging Baskets
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
Anagram: "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
Anagram: "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."