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The People News, a free newspaper serving Cleveland Tennessee (TN) and Bradley County Tennessee (Tn).
Of Bradley County Tn.
JUNE 2005
The People News, a free newspaper serving Cleveland and Bradley County Tn.
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HOME
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Confessions of an Auto Mechanic
I've never been a fan of auto racing. Most people, especially other mechanics and technicians, find that a little disconcerting and almost unfathomable. It's a little like finding out your butcher is a vegetarian,
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they say. Well, yes, that is exactly my point. After grinding hamburger all day the butcher might prefer beans for his supper. I work on, think about, talk to other people about and write about automobiles all day long and often into the night. My most frequently visited web sites are dedicated to repairing and maintaining automobiles. The magazines to which I subscribe are of the same technical nature. In my daily world the term performance relates to smooth idling four cylinder engines, repairing the causes of malfunction indicator lights and getting the most MPGs. To the racer performance means nitro-fueled horsepower, burnouts and flames shooting from headers all of which are frowned upon features in your average minivan.
It's not that I don't grasp the concept of racing. Let's see, the object is
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to go the fastest and cross the finish line first, right? Right, right, you might say, but it's the nuances of the sport that make it interesting. Well, maybe, or maybe it's the nuances that keep me away. Let's take, for example, the average D_ E_ or D_ E_, Jr. fan. Personally, I don't want to shave a patch of hair out of my head in the shape of either a 3 or an 8. My house is not overly small, but I can scarcely
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spare a whole room for the shrine which must inevitably come from being a fan. This may sound nutty, but I believe Monday mornings are meant for working not for some empty-lifers to rag on each other about Martinsville until lunchtime. I've known guys who couldn't remember which end of a car the headlights are on, yet could draw a perfect parallel from memory between "That crash on turn four in lap 35. That was just like what happened to Sterling back in '92 when Davey spun him out at Bristol." Scary!
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I guess another thing that has prejudiced my opinion is having had the experience of working along side "mechanics" whose only training ground for the real world of working on other people's transportation was growing up helping Daddy build cars for the drag-strip. These types are very enlightening to observe, especially in pairs. I know the correct method for installing a distributor, aligning it and setting the base ignition timing for an engine before the engine is ever installed in the vehicle. I know because I went to school to learn the basic relationship between the two and know how to consult a manual for the specifics. Not so with the drag-strip mechanic. His method usually involves having one of his buddies attempt to start the vehicle while he wildly swings the distributor clockwise and counter until the engine coughs to life. And a timing light? "I just advance her till she clatters then back it off a hair." At this point the genius is ready to begin adjusting the hydraulic valve lifters, which time honored procedure requires him to have the engine running and usually requires a fire extinguisher and four extra quarts of oil, after which, there is the obligatory spin around the block with the hood still off.
All in all, I guess I just don't get it, this racing, but that's OK. It only means that I have more time to devote the We Never Went To The Moon Club of America and to the Flat Earth Society. Until next month, see you on the Art Bell show!
JB Griffin is an ASE Certified Master Technician. He owns and operates JB's Japanese and American Auto Repair in Evensville, Tennessee. You may e-mail your car questions to jeepster1515@yahoo.com
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