Old Age and Cunning
An old farmer in South Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "Relax ladies, I didn't come down here to watch you swim or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
Well let's see what happened today - the Bush administration is now asking Congress for another twenty-five billion for the war in Iraq. I don't know what they're going to be buying with the money, but I think we can rule out more digital cameras! -- Jay Leno, The Tonight Show
Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
To be six again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again" she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!".
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
Tennessee Flat Tire
There was this country boy from Tennessee who had a flat tire, pulled off the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in the front and back of the car. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
Latin is not a dead language
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini."... Blessed be Mankind. A woman's rights group approached the Pope the next day to mention that he blessed all Mankind but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini."... Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Of course." The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
Albany, KY----- Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Kentucky students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Albany. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
Another Kentucky joke
A Kentucky State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "'Bout whut?"