"Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience." - Unknown
"Why does SeaWorld have a seafood restaurant? I am halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my goodness.... I could be eating a slow learner." - Linda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne
"I think this is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said 'Gee, I am enjoying the crime and the poverty but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go West.'' - Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all of the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida but they turned 60, and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West
"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne
Advice for the day: if you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin and keep away from children." - Unknown Comic
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Drew Carey
Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
Advice for men - words women use.
FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "Fine" to describe how a women looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a women getting upset over "Nothing" and will end in the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is not to say anything, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means its Not Okay and that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow"
GO AHEAD: At some point in the near, future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A women is giving you the chance to come up with whatever lame excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS: A women is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks." A women will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing" followed by the use of woman's most insulting word - JERK.