by Jennifer Bowman
The year 2005 is looking quite optimistic. George W. Bush has been reelected as President, with a nice Senate, House, and Supreme Court behind him (for the most part, anyhow). Those mysterious "intelligence" people are getting a makeover, and it looks like reality television just might be dwindling down. Well, maybe. Hopefully.
Scott Peterson is looking a little like he has aichmophobia - otherwise known as the fear of needles. And, oh joy, Martha Stewart shall be returning from her "trip"! For months she's been plexin' up in that joint, living with a straight-yoked S.A. named Carlito, and bustin' a grape every time them cell warriors were all up in her grille, mackin' stuff about her almond-roasted turkey. Now what?
The long-lost spirit of hockey will be revived through the NBA, thanks to our pals Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, and Jermaine O'Neil. Ah, only in Detroit. They're just too close to Canada. And the spirit of Dennis Haskins is coming alive through the wonderfully American sport of baseball - can't you just hear Mr. Belding already? "Barry Bonds - you tell me what's going on right now! What's this about steroids? SCREECH!"
Also, on a more personal, and serious level - I will be driving. By myself. I have already been placed in charge of my sister's transportation, which can range anywhere from the mall to .. er ..the other mall. Either way, I don't much care for shopping and I certainly don't care for 8th-graders who will be going to the same school as me next year. Sigh.
The halfway point of the first decade of the second millennium will also mark my seventeenth year alive. Yes, seventeen. Like the magazine that I don't read. Cough cough. Now I can start a career as a pop artist! Hmm, an oxymoron. But the word "pop artist" is quite vague. These days it means that I must have limited or no talent in all of the following: singing, dancing, acting, lip-syncing, comedy, and songwriting. Okay, check. So far so good. But I'm missing the key ingredients! Do I look hot in skimpy outfits and can I get MTV and Disney CEO employees to think so? Not really!
Alas, a tragedy. Really though, as you start the New Year - release your concentration on the past and start planning for a better today. Yes, today. Not tomorrow. Neither nostalgia nor procrastination can help you in any way whatsoever. Because the present is truly the most important aspect. Now. Right now. Time. Ticking. Away.