In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The moment turned awkward. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $1,000 for a female brain." Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used!"
Dividing The Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth, let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the gate, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the gate tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the gate, and we'll be done." They say, the old guy made it back to town before the boy!
See This Card?
A Department of Water Resources Representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.The old rancher says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there. The Water Representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?? The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, he hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life and close behind him is the rancher's huge Brahma bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified and running for his life, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,
Your card, show him your card!!!