A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night during a rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread."
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.
Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be outta-luck if he needed glasses!"
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for barely speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a moment he stops and says,
"Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."