Creative Datin' Ideas fo' Romancin' th' Wimmen
Ah knows y'all is wonnerin' how southern boy's hav sech a way wif th' wimmen, n'all, ah reckon. Wal, by bein' unique an' creative on a date, yo'll stan' out fum t'other guys she's dated an' she will be hankerin' t'be wif yo' agin an' agin an' make mad as a weasel in a blender passhunate love t'yo' until her husbin comes home.
Here is mah gold mine of creative datin' ideas fo' romancin' th' wimmen on a fust date thet will leave a deeper impresshun on them than a bowie knife scar an' make them crave t'be wif yo':
Dinner at Yer Place
Thar is nothin' like a fine heap of fresh-boiled pigs feet warshed down like a jug of apple cider t'make a gal feel special, ah reckon. Some gals git so animated by this hyar fine aphrodisiac cuisine, they kin't even look at th' pigs feet an' bolt fum th' table t'th' sofa fo' a li'l "desert" - eff'n'n ya'll knows whut ah mean, as enny fool kin plainly see. Eifer thet, o' they helter-skelter to th' toilet an' throw up due t'bein' highly aroused n'all, ah reckon. Nevah aller yer houn'dog t'eat at th' table when yo' haf guests present.
Dinner & Theater
Thar's nothin' like fine intertainment while yer eatin' - an' eatin' wif me is nothin' like fine intertainment. ah likes t'impress a date by takin' her t'a joint wit mud-wrestlin' an' surprise her by interin' her into th' contess - she'll love it! Fry mah hide! Now, eff'n'n ya kin't affo'd t'be a trimenjus spenner like me, then grab a six-pack of Cores an' take her on down t'an abattoir an' watch them slaughter pigs. Don't fo'git t'pick up some pigs feet while yer thar. Of course, eff'n'n ya hoof it to sech fancy places, make sho'nuff t'wears yer cleaness Dukes Of Hazard t-shirt.
Take her Fishin'
Fishin' is not jest fo' yer buddies. Be inventive, take her t'yer favo'ite pond an' make her feel involved by lettin' her hook up them juicy wo'ms as bait. Be cornsiderate an' brin' some magazines fo' her t'read fo' when yo' feel like takin' a nap. These sh'd be po'no, so she gits fine an' excited fo' later.
No'mally, when ah take midnight strolls wif wimmen in mind, ah's warin' a mask an' carryin' a knife, but this hyar can be a nice romannic way t'git t'knows a gal, an' a cheap date too.
At ta' Zoo
An injoyable place t'go on a date. Them monkeys jest crack me up; ah swears they look jest like hoomins - mah fambly, ennyway. Yo' kin intertain a gal fo' hours by comparin' her t'th' baboons an' all them other homely beasts, an' eff'n'n she is a li'l pudgy, yo' kin point at an elephant an' say "Hey, look! Fry mah hide! Thar is yer twin sister." She'll jest fall about th' place laughin' wif tears in her eyes an' be pow'ful impressed by yer charmin' wit.
Now, ah ain't talkin' about them fancy rivahboat cruises thet them rich folks on over in Mississippi have. I do declare! Fry mah hide! Jest haul her up into yer monster truck an' take her fo' a fine ol' spin acrost fields an' back roads like th' devil hisse'f was chasin' ya. She'll be screamin' her lil' haid off wif th' excitement of it all, ah reckon.
* Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.
* The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
* Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
* Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
* Actually, a government bureau is the nearest thing to eternal life we'll ever see on this earth!
* A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a short time ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist.
* The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.
* Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
* Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
* Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
* When you see all that rhetorical smoke billowing up from the Democrats, well, ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of Bill Clinton: don't inhale.
* I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
* I've noticed that everybody who is for abortion has already been born.
* How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
* The other day someone told me the difference between a democracy and a people's democracy. It's the same difference between a jacket and a straitjacket.
* History teaches that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap.
* I hope that when you're my age you'll be able to say, as I have been able to say: we lived in freedom; we lived lives that were a statement, not an apology.
Be careful what you wish for.
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Poof! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and Poof! He was ninety.