Drunk at the Door
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. "Hi ya," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "Get lost," says the man. "It's half-past three."
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's door? What would've happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
So, the husband gets back out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and calls out, "Hey, do you still want a push?" A voice answers, "Yes, please." "Where are you?" calls the man. The stranger replies, "I'm over here -- on your swing set."
Redneck Wants to Fight
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign:
"CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
Eye to Eye
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
"Just between you and me, something smells."
Modern Air Conditioning
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner," on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls. So, now you know.
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," Explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replies. No matter what amenity the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.