If animals could talk

While riding one day, a Cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and sheep and he began a
conversation:
Cowboy: Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?
Indian: Dog no talk.
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doing' alright.
Indian: (Look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this Indian your owner? (Pointing at the Indian)
Dog: Yep.
Cowboy: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Indian: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Indian: Horse no talk.
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: Good
Indian: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (Pointing at the Indian)
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: How does he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keep me in a shed to protect me.
Indian: (Complete look of utter amazement)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Indian: Sheep liar.

White House breakfast

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark w! ink and slight grin, "How about
a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office!
for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.. "It's pronounced 'quiche'."

Thoughts

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
9.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
11.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
16.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17.. Procrastinate Now!
18.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
19.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
21.. The original point and click tool was a Smith and Wesson
.